Codependency is more common than you think. Learn how codependent patterns show up in relationships, how they impact self-worth, and what healthy emotional boundaries look like.
Understanding Codependency in Relationships
In today’s culture, terms like codependency, gaslighting, narcissism, and emotional abuse are often used in conversations about mental health and relationships. And while these concepts are important, they can easily become buzzwords—thrown around without much clarity or care.
Let’s slow down and take a deeper look at what codependency actually means, and how understanding it can help us build stronger, healthier relationships.
What Does It Mean to Be Codependent?
Here’s the truth: to some extent, we all experience codependent tendencies.
If I’m being honest, when my partner shows me love, I feel better about myself. When she’s upset with me, I may start questioning my worth or even who I am. That’s a glimpse into codependency—the idea that my emotional well-being or sense of self depends on someone else’s behavior, opinion, or mood.
Codependency in relationships often shows up as:
- Needing validation or approval from others to feel okay
- Struggling to set or maintain boundaries
- Taking responsibility for another person’s emotions
- Feeling triggered or unworthy when someone pulls away
At its core, codependence is tied to how we see and value ourselves.
Codependency and Self-Worth
Every human being is inherently worthy. But many of us wrestle with that truth. Instead of believing I am enough just as I am, we build our self-worth around external factors, such as:
- Other-based esteem: I matter if other people like or approve of me.
- Performance-based esteem: I matter if I succeed or achieve enough.
- Attribute-based esteem: I matter because I’m smart, attractive, strong, or funny.
These coping strategies might provide temporary relief—but they keep us stuck in a cycle where our sense of worth is fragile and conditional.
How Codependency Can Show Up in Real Life
Let me give you an example.
Imagine I plan a date night with my wife. As the evening approaches, she gets invited to a fun night out with friends and asks if we can reschedule. On the surface, that’s a reasonable request. But if I’m leaning into codependent patterns, I might feel rejected, abandoned, or even angry.
My mind may jump to conclusions like:
- She doesn’t value our time together.
- I must not be important to her.
- What does this say about me or our relationship?
If I haven’t developed emotional resilience or healthy communication skills, I might lash out, withdraw, or spiral into conflict.
From Codependence to Conscious Relationships
Here’s the key: I don’t have to change my feelings—I just have to take responsibility for them.
It’s okay to feel hurt or disappointed. But instead of blaming, criticizing, or escalating conflict, I can name my emotion, soothe myself, and respond with maturity and self-awareness.
This is the work of becoming less codependent. It’s not about being emotionally detached—it’s about practicing emotional ownership.
My partner is allowed to make choices, and those choices don’t always reflect a lack of love or commitment. They may simply reflect her own needs in that moment. And I can learn to hold both truths:
- I’m allowed to feel impacted.
- And I’m responsible for how I respond.
Moving Toward Healthier Relationship Patterns
The more we recognize and shift our codependent patterns, the better we feel. We become more secure, more grounded, and more open to love that isn’t rooted in fear or performance.
Here’s the truth I want you to hold onto:
You are enough. You matter. Your worth isn’t up for debate.
When we start from that place, our relationships have room to breathe and grow—without the pressure of making someone else responsible for our self-esteem.
If you’re struggling with codependency or relationship issues, you’re not alone. As a therapist specializing in couples therapy and emotional growth, I can help you understand your patterns and create healthier, more connected relationships. Contact me here to get started.